when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
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