im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
