If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
how drunk are you?
Several
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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