ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
