Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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