Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
