I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
