Texts From Last Night · mwannop's Favorites

mwannop's Favorites Texts:

Sort By: Date Favorited / Date Posted / Good Night / Bad Night

(202): View more from Washington, DC

Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?

Fav 2 2594 877
share tweet
(781): View more from Massachusetts

I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"

Fav 7 2722 887
share tweet

(252): View more from North Carolina

See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket

Fav 11 1782 814
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole

Fav 1 851 486
share tweet
(310): View more from California

We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....

Fav 9 1248 914
share tweet
(616): View more from Michigan

I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.

Fav 4 1646 682
share tweet

(206): View more from Washington

What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?

(425): View more from Washington

Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.

Fav 11 5003 1139
share tweet

(301): View more from Maryland

At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions

Fav 2 773 477
share tweet
(905): View more from Ontario

I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle

Fav 2 967 513
share tweet
(440): View more from Ohio

My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".

Fav 5 1138 491
share tweet
(845): View more from New York

Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.

Fav 0 710 1214
share tweet

(812): View more from Indiana

I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.

Fav 0 864 498
share tweet

(973): View more from New Jersey

I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??

Fav 2 915 576
share tweet
(802): View more from Vermont

New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills

Fav 4 1319 668
share tweet

(636): View more from Missouri

Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.

Fav 1 828 580
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...

Fav 1 756 555
share tweet
(814): View more from Pennsylvania

I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.

Fav 1 922 605
share tweet
(647): View more from Ontario

The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am

Fav 0 647 512
share tweet
(586): View more from Michigan

He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.

Fav 2 883 574
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?

Fav 4 539 783
share tweet
(905): View more from Ontario

I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving

Fav 2 962 503
share tweet
(361): View more from Texas

Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.

Fav 8 1911 902
share tweet
(406): View more from Montana

He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...

Fav 16 1599 3471
share tweet
(217): View more from Illinois

Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.

Fav 11 2120 731
share tweet
(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.

Fav 3 1480 567
share tweet
(360): View more from Washington

Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.

Fav 23 3070 988
share tweet
(912): View more from Georgia

Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say

Fav 2 1194 576
share tweet
(406): View more from Montana

Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile

Fav 2 1146 1098
share tweet
(205): View more from Alabama

Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.

Fav 3 598 1317
share tweet
(425): View more from Washington

I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it

Fav 8 1488 649
share tweet
(306): View more from Saskatchewan

All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer

Fav 1 858 758
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.

Fav 2 1191 671
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.

Fav 3 946 1477
share tweet
(334): View more from Alabama

Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.

Fav 8 1980 1001
share tweet
(937): View more from Ohio

Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.

Fav 16 1223 1845
share tweet
(336): View more from North Carolina

I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.

Fav 10 3052 1315
share tweet
(304): View more from West Virginia

Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.

Fav 6 2086 888
share tweet
(626): View more from California

obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that

Fav 9 2043 877
share tweet
(978): View more from Massachusetts

I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.

Fav 8 3037 1139
share tweet
(845): View more from New York

"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.

Fav 3 833 1389
share tweet
(717): View more from Pennsylvania

I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.

Fav 4 1799 810
share tweet
(281): View more from Texas

I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.

Fav 8 3280 1050
share tweet
(360): View more from Washington

well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home

Fav 8 3155 1033
share tweet
(415): View more from California

I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.

Fav 13 1034 1913
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal

Fav 35 2011 4433
share tweet
(318): View more from Louisiana

Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.

Fav 5 2780 1176
share tweet
(571): View more from Virginia

Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.

(571): View more from Virginia

just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom

Fav 4 2482 938
share tweet
(301): View more from Maryland

We're doing a case race on Saturday.

(302): View more from Delaware

I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"

Fav 5 4298 1111
share tweet
(413): View more from Massachusetts

he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.

Fav 3 1685 656
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.

Fav 11 1674 1071
share tweet
(651): View more from Minnesota

Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.

Fav 1 984 552
share tweet
(319): View more from Iowa

...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text

Fav 2 1825 672
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.

Fav 7 1316 659
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?

Fav 2 1508 621
share tweet
(509): View more from Washington

Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen

Fav 4 2956 817
share tweet
(319): View more from Iowa

That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"

Fav 12 2811 1089
share tweet
(228): View more from Mississippi

We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver

Fav 5 2027 808
share tweet
(415): View more from California

It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.

Fav 9 2230 697
share tweet
(317): View more from Indiana

My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low

Fav 7 1730 1415
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.

Fav 2 1364 862
share tweet
(518): View more from New York

They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower

Fav 10 3752 1274
share tweet
(814): View more from Pennsylvania

there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.

Fav 4 2750 949
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO

Fav 7 2970 885
share tweet
(918): View more from Oklahoma

I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.

Fav 15 2148 775
share tweet
(602): View more from Arizona

The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!

Fav 4 1408 778
share tweet
(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.

Fav 6 3154 1106
share tweet
(801): View more from Utah

On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?

Fav 10 3432 1122
share tweet
(213): View more from California

Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??

Fav 25 3951 1485
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.

Fav 8 1154 2209
share tweet
(201): View more from New Jersey

I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.

Fav 9 1294 3276
share tweet
(530): View more from California

Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'

Fav 3 3082 1278
share tweet
(717): View more from Pennsylvania

do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?

(224): View more from Illinois

story of my life.

Fav 15 2939 4477
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.

Fav 11 1239 2749
share tweet
(229): View more from Georgia

Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?

Fav 6 2364 1314
share tweet
(901): View more from Tennessee

He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit

Fav 8 1137 2745
share tweet
(712): View more from Iowa

Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer

Fav 10 5822 1612
share tweet
(615): View more from Tennessee

Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.

Fav 22 4453 2176
share tweet
(502): View more from Kentucky

Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.

Fav 3 2261 1159
share tweet
(208): View more from Idaho

if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.

Fav 3 2447 1011
share tweet
(402): View more from Nebraska

Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted

Fav 6 1766 796
share tweet
(304): View more from West Virginia

It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.

Fav 14 891 1190
share tweet
(301): View more from Maryland

This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday

Fav 7 1317 868
share tweet
(306): View more from Saskatchewan

whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?

(1-306): View more from Saskatchewan

Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.

Fav 7 3236 886
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.

Fav 2 2350 1069
share tweet
(502): View more from Kentucky

You dont lie about slip and slides

Fav 9 1989 802
share tweet
(206): View more from Washington

Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.

Fav 4 2349 855
share tweet
(307): View more from Wyoming

being pregnant is like rehab

Fav 8 1013 2117
share tweet
(417): View more from Missouri

Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.

Fav 8 3781 1597
share tweet
(+61): View more from Australia

It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.

Fav 3 3205 1099
share tweet
(518): View more from New York

its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.

Fav 28 1522 6460
share tweet
(580): View more from Oklahoma

The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.

Fav 9 849 2139
share tweet
(864): View more from South Carolina

I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.

Fav 2 1036 793
share tweet
(561): View more from Florida

I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?

Fav 10 1126 1489
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.

Fav 3 1371 697
share tweet
(405): View more from Oklahoma

Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.

Fav 4 1582 960
share tweet
(817): View more from Texas

Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.

Fav 6 1324 775
share tweet
(908): View more from New Jersey

And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.

Fav 1 999 816
share tweet
(403): View more from Alberta, CA

At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...

Fav 17 2590 888
share tweet
(716): View more from New York

I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.

Fav 7 1341 744
share tweet
(559): View more from California

Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.

Fav 4 1310 946
share tweet
(778): View more from British Columbia

the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic

Fav 5 1579 1002
share tweet
(949): View more from California

it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable

Fav 13 4022 1553
share tweet
(701): View more from North Dakota

From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.

Fav 6 2111 980
share tweet
(+44): View more from United Kingdom

my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.

Fav 6 2227 1284
share tweet
(403): View more from Alberta, CA

No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.

Fav 4 1575 862
share tweet
(778): View more from British Columbia

It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.

Fav 8 2085 1766
share tweet
(780): View more from Alberta, CA

Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up

Fav 5 1373 831
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary

Fav 8 1431 741
share tweet
(773): View more from Illinois

Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.

Fav 6 1633 815
share tweet
(570): View more from Pennsylvania

she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time

Fav 11 3714 1421
share tweet
(425): View more from Washington

I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.

Fav 0 1196 750
share tweet
(907): View more from Alaska

Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen

Fav 14 1196 2926
share tweet
(573): View more from Missouri

We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.

Fav 5 1983 1272
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone

Fav 6 968 1267
share tweet
(712): View more from Iowa

Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.

(714): View more from California

Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."

Fav 37 10358 2112
share tweet
(773): View more from Illinois

Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.

Fav 8 1680 779
share tweet
(602): View more from Arizona

All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you

Fav 7 2124 859
share tweet
(208): View more from Idaho

i robbed the continental breakfast last night

Fav 8 3053 1026
share tweet
(408): View more from California

Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?

Fav 2 1121 705
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.

Fav 16 3026 3868
share tweet
(970): View more from Colorado

I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.

Fav 8 2481 1498
share tweet
(815): View more from Illinois

Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia

Fav 2 1959 1038
share tweet
(785): View more from Kansas

Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.

Fav 15 6084 1520
share tweet
(410): View more from Maryland

Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.

Fav 1 1223 747
share tweet
(434): View more from Virginia

i said good morning to each one of his abs personally

Fav 11 7255 1334
share tweet
(330): View more from Ohio

Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.

Fav 11 1724 829
share tweet
(478): View more from Georgia

You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover

Fav 1 919 1233
share tweet
(925): View more from California

crossed #23 off the Slucket List!

(1-925): View more from California

YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.

Fav 6 3029 1003
share tweet
(416): View more from Toronto

It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.

Fav 2 1368 805
share tweet
(440): View more from Ohio

I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection

Fav 2 1453 685
share tweet
(631): View more from New York

He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.

Fav 23 2066 6167
share tweet
(530): View more from California

red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.

Fav 10 2474 947
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.

Fav 9 2258 851
share tweet
(954): View more from Florida

stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us

Fav 3 2269 820
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.

Fav 7 2506 1027
share tweet
(706): View more from Georgia

The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.

Fav 10 2707 1047
share tweet
(828): View more from North Carolina

Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado

Fav 27 3888 1104
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.

Fav 25 1923 1702
share tweet
(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.

Fav 10 2282 1011
share tweet
(435): View more from Utah

I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read

Fav 14 3059 938
share tweet
(816): View more from Missouri

If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU

Fav 2 1956 848
share tweet
(401): View more from Rhode Island

I just feel like you're using me for sex.

(383): View more from

I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship

Fav 16 2564 1524
share tweet
(408): View more from California

My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.

Fav 5 1609 850
share tweet
(240): View more from Maryland

Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer

Fav 4 1678 907
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....

Fav 7 2241 716
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

I just don't do feelings in the summer months.

Fav 7 1864 846
share tweet
(801): View more from Utah

He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.

Fav 8 2604 897
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.

Fav 2 1193 692
share tweet
(815): View more from Illinois

Drink for every country you've never heard of.

(630): View more from Illinois

Fuuuuuuuuuck

Fav 9 3020 942
share tweet
(760): View more from California

drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care

Fav 5 773 1126
share tweet
(217): View more from Illinois

Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak

Fav 12 2691 1505
share tweet
(781): View more from Massachusetts

i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage

Fav 9 2579 1178
share tweet
(907): View more from Alaska

Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.

Fav 27 1157 3539
share tweet
(613): View more from Ontario

She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".

(202): View more from Washington, DC

Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.

Fav 39 7241 1402
share tweet
(206): View more from Washington

It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to

Fav 9 5357 1241
share tweet
(989): View more from Michigan

I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.

(1-989): View more from Michigan

You did this to yourself.

Fav 11 1862 950
share tweet
(323): View more from California

No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.

Fav 24 8020 1325
share tweet
(757): View more from Virginia

I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.

Fav 5 1563 828
share tweet
(205): View more from Alabama

High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.

Fav 11 3024 1030
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect

Fav 1 2597 1294
share tweet
(201): View more from New Jersey

Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.

Fav 8 4156 1167
share tweet
(206): View more from Washington

It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!

Fav 5 1581 752
share tweet
(260): View more from Indiana

Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.

Fav 9 2239 801
share tweet
(440): View more from Ohio

You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music

Fav 49 18833 1912
share tweet
(403): View more from Alberta, CA

oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.

Fav 9 2138 1307
share tweet
(224): View more from Illinois

That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.

Fav 11 877 1332
share tweet
(206): View more from Washington

Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.

Fav 7 4915 1389
share tweet
(714): View more from California

he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now

Fav 12 2619 895
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever

Fav 9 1586 861
share tweet
(603): View more from New Hampshire

Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech

Fav 3 1349 690
share tweet
(908): View more from New Jersey

This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.

Fav 4 1345 750
share tweet
(360): View more from Washington

Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.

Fav 33 3372 1264
share tweet
(919): View more from North Carolina

I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months

Fav 10 3263 3984
share tweet
(505): View more from New Mexico

Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport

Fav 10 5738 1369
share tweet
(757): View more from Virginia

I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.

Fav 5 1733 903
share tweet
(336): View more from North Carolina

If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.

Fav 12 1514 740
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.

Fav 11 3650 1555
share tweet
(970): View more from Colorado

I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out

Fav 7 1664 766
share tweet
(410): View more from Maryland

Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....

Fav 13 1071 1968
share tweet
(416): View more from Toronto

He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.

Fav 8 5480 1193
share tweet
(219): View more from Indiana

Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.

Fav 11 731 1947
share tweet
(817): View more from Texas

Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.

Fav 3 2966 1045
share tweet
(619): View more from California

He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.

Fav 6 3320 896
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game

Fav 13 2169 733
share tweet
(651): View more from Minnesota

i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups

Fav 13 6586 1217
share tweet
(207): View more from Maine

Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.

Fav 30 6381 2013
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge

Fav 16 2453 915
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me

Fav 14 1291 2490
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"

Fav 20 1486 5932
share tweet
(212): View more from New York

Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?

Fav 7 1997 1002
share tweet
(252): View more from North Carolina

It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.

Fav 17 1454 3779
share tweet
(928): View more from Arizona

On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.

Fav 3 3427 1229
share tweet
(909): View more from California

The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."

Fav 20 9152 1824
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.

Fav 32 1983 16440
share tweet
(979): View more from Texas

It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.

Fav 6 2046 1115
share tweet
(816): View more from Missouri

I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.

Fav 61 19438 1814
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face

Fav 55 22257 1880
share tweet
(562): View more from California

omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.

Fav 292 30519 14152
share tweet
(970): View more from Colorado

I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.

(303): View more from Colorado

Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.

Fav 111 40361 3924
share tweet
(678): View more from Georgia

You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'

Fav 12 3544 1043
share tweet
(224): View more from Illinois

At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk

Fav 3 1245 965
share tweet
(717): View more from Pennsylvania

What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.

Fav 10 5355 1219
share tweet
(615): View more from Tennessee

all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident

Fav 11 1124 4787
share tweet
(804): View more from Virginia

IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT

Fav 40 9830 2002
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.

Fav 13 6585 1952
share tweet
(619): View more from California

For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.

Fav 14 2204 821
share tweet
(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...

Fav 4 1778 971
share tweet
(+44): View more from United Kingdom

The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"

Fav 8 2040 1050
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.

Fav 19 2787 948
share tweet
(410): View more from Maryland

I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.

Fav 10 1387 1061
share tweet
(647): View more from Ontario

Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon

Fav 2 713 1299
share tweet
(206): View more from Washington

Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.

Fav 12 937 1923
share tweet
(724): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point

Fav 9 2087 908
share tweet
(304): View more from West Virginia

Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.

Fav 2 1013 792
share tweet
(410): View more from Maryland

Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar

Fav 6 3547 946
share tweet
(717): View more from Pennsylvania

That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy

Fav 5 1508 812
share tweet
(772): View more from Florida

I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?

Fav 14 1901 724
share tweet
(802): View more from Vermont

Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence

Fav 6 1228 836
share tweet
(410): View more from Maryland

Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?

Fav 3 1796 840
share tweet
(224): View more from Illinois

Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.

Fav 0 1147 1093
share tweet
(636): View more from Missouri

You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.

Fav 4 2555 999
share tweet
(724): View more from Pennsylvania

Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.

Fav 6 1875 889
share tweet
(914): View more from New York

What are you wearing tonight?

(510): View more from California

The colors of the winddddddd

Fav 7 3879 929
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.

Fav 16 3536 1057
share tweet
(503): View more from Oregon

I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G

Fav 5 2085 884
share tweet
(413): View more from Massachusetts

Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.

Fav 17 3208 1028
share tweet
(704): View more from North Carolina

Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be

Fav 10 5539 2069
share tweet
(402): View more from Nebraska

We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.

Fav 7 2827 893
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.

Fav 7 2157 1217
share tweet
(405): View more from Oklahoma

the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick

(972): View more from Texas

please tell me you have proof of this

Fav 9 1037 4450
share tweet
(760): View more from California

For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".

Fav 12 4275 1346
share tweet
(706): View more from Georgia

Her name starts with A and ends with whore.

Fav 12 1865 3908
share tweet
(210): View more from Texas

I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.

Fav 53 6763 1386
share tweet
(202): View more from Washington, DC

My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.

(202): View more from Washington, DC

Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.

Fav 7 3414 1203
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.

Fav 11 3006 1068
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.

Fav 7 2917 1067
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?

Fav 12 3476 1134
share tweet
(510): View more from California

answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.

Fav 6 1793 5796
share tweet
(919): View more from North Carolina

Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.

Fav 57 21183 1938
share tweet
(901): View more from Tennessee

No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism

Fav 4 3157 984
share tweet
(661): View more from California

new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.

Fav 27 5980 1798
share tweet
(253): View more from Washington

Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'

Fav 37 6618 1109
share tweet
(503): View more from Oregon

Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.

(360): View more from Washington

I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.

Fav 92 5107 1379
share tweet
(918): View more from Oklahoma

Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.

Fav 5 2674 1071
share tweet
(707): View more from California

Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.

Fav 2 1375 2328
share tweet
(907): View more from Alaska

Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.

Fav 4 1834 833
share tweet
(315): View more from New York

Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.

Fav 7 3339 1133
share tweet
(613): View more from Ontario

Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.

Fav 9 4613 1881
share tweet
(623): View more from Arizona

My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.

Fav 21 4629 1758
share tweet
(289): View more from Ontario

Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.

Fav 17 5754 1340
share tweet
(310): View more from California

Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.

Fav 9 5967 1271
share tweet
(706): View more from Georgia

I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.

Fav 50 6020 1957
share tweet
(781): View more from Massachusetts

Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag

Fav 4 2555 1110
share tweet
(310): View more from California

My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...

Fav 11 3382 1428
share tweet
(132): View more from

if you force a hooker to have sex with you and dont pay her would it be rape or theft? something to ponder

Fav 43 1780 1282
share tweet
(319): View more from Iowa

On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?

(316): View more from Kansas

Toaster

Fav 48 26745 2046
share tweet
(208): View more from Idaho

U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"

Fav 99 27492 1854
share tweet
(416): View more from Ontario

Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home

Fav 54 28408 3196
share tweet
(724): View more from Pennsylvania

also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.

Fav 62 31764 1916
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?

Fav 131 32854 3007
share tweet
(864): View more from South Carolina

So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"

Fav 176 53649 6693
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.

Fav 290 63939 5489
share tweet
(915): View more from Texas

I told you I was good to drive

(1-915): View more from Texas

dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate

Fav 54 75095 3009
share tweet
(757): View more from Virginia

At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."

Fav 298 76377 3427
share tweet
(541): View more from Oregon

my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests

Fav 202 82798 5240
share tweet