I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
What's dad's email?
[email protected]
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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