Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
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