just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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