why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
