Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
