if we break up, who will get the dealer?
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
