I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
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