Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
