If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
i will never coherently bang her
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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