so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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