So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
