hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Randomize
