He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
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