ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
Randomize
