I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
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