He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
