She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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