are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Randomize
