you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Randomize
