I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
