So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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