she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
