You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking ros�, bitch!
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Randomize
