um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
