Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
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