I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
