I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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