We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Randomize
