My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
