If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
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