Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
Randomize
