at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Randomize
