shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Randomize
