the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
I want a musical about memes.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
Randomize
