and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
