This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
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