hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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