Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
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