forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
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