I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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