Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Randomize
