batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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